Our first ultrasound

In my first post where I explained why I started a blog I mentioned getting pregnant wasn't the easiest thing for Reed and me. While our journey wasn't the easiest, it wasn't the hardest either, but it did take a toll on my heart. When you decide you are ready to bring a child into this world, you're ready then and there. You grow up hearing the warnings "it only takes once to get pregnant" so if it doesn't happen the first, third, or sixth month it begins to weigh pretty heavily on your heart. After three months of trying I began to feel like something wasn't right. I went for my yearly physical and told my doctor that we were trying to get pregnant. She said she would run some routine blood work to make sure everything was ok. One of my tests came back a little abnormal and after some additional tests and ultrasounds she said I shouldn't worry. I'm a big believer in being your own advocate when it comes to your medical care. Since my doctor is a general physician I decided to make an appointment with an OBGYN. I figured this was their speciality and when/if we got pregnant I would need one anyway. By the time I got to my appointment I had began taking my temperature everyday, using ovulation sticks, and my cycles were becoming longer and longer. This doctor explained that my original blood work did not fall in their abnormal category, but it sounded like I wasn't ovulating. That's kind of important when you're trying to get pregnant! She prescribed me progesterone. It was suppose to make my cycles more regular and after three months on it I would return to the doctor where we would start using a drug that would force me to ovulate. If by some chance I did get pregnant I would continue taking the pill through the first trimester. I still monitored to see if I ovulated. The first cycle came and went, I didn't ovulate.

During the second cycle I got my first positive ovulation test. It was crazy to think that this could be it! Two weeks later I took a pregnancy test and got a negative. It wasn't my first rodeo, but those negative tests feel like a slap in the face! Two days later I still hadn't started my period so I decided to test again. I knew I was setting myself up for failure. This time I looked down and saw two bright lines. My first reaction was "are you fucking kidding me?" (I have a bit of a potty mouth.) I couldn't believe it, I was pregnant! Nine months after we started trying, a few doctors appointments, an ultrasound, and some pills later I was pregnant.

I made my appointment and saw my doctor at 8 weeks. We both were nervous going to this appointment. I had no morning sickness and besides sore boobs, I felt great. She did an internal ultrasound and we saw our little baby, heartbeat and all! We walked out of there on cloud nine! This was it, it was finally happening! We were going to be parents and we have pictures to prove it.

When I was 10 weeks I went on a roadtrip to visit friends in Durango, CO. Reed had to work so I went with his best friend. I know that sounds a little weird, but the three of us have been on vacations before so it's not that weird for us, plus we were visiting his sister. A couple days into our trip I began to have a bad feeling. One night I woke up around 1 A.M. and knew something was wrong. This had happened before, I knew what it felt like, so I wasn't surprised to go to the bathroom to find blood. I had lost our little baby. My whole world came crashing down.

That happened a year ago today. It's crazy how things can change in a year. It took me months to work through all the feelings that came with this miscarriage. I walked four miles a day for over a month so I could work out all my thoughts and hurt. I am so thankful for the little girl who is currently fist pumping inside of me, but she doesn't replace the two babies I have lost. I look at it as one of those puzzles that have different shapes. You can't put a square in a triangle hole just like this baby doesn't fit the hole in my heart for my other babies.

I thought it was important to share this part of our story. It has been so much fun taking weekly bump pictures and writing about the nursery progress, but this is meaningful too. This has shaped who I am today and how I feel about this pregnancy. I also thought it was important because chances are you have or know someone who has had a miscarriage and it can be helpful reading other people's experiences.